Chapter 271: The Road Home (Part 4)

"It was something that happened when I was little.

"...Back then, my mother didn't like me much because I was a girl." Su Tan'er said softly after a moment of laughter, gazing at the sky. "She always hoped...

...that she could bear a son for my father in the future. My father thought the same way, though he was at least a bit warmer towards me. He said I was smart and that a future brother would surely be smart too. Father always saw his future son's reflection in me, but Mother didn't even want to look. Back then, I'd always try to cling to her, but she'd ignore me.

Sometimes, when I did something wrong and annoyed her, she wouldn't hit me; she'd just wave her hand for the wet nurse to take me away. Husband, this must be the greatest form of disdain in the world, isn't it?

Eventually, I realized Mother always wanted a son. At first, I even resented this potential brother, not understanding what made girls so different..." Wildflowers dotted the hillside as Su Tan'er placed her hand on her lower abdomen, watching the white clouds drift by in the evening sky. Ning Yi, who had initially closed his eyes and smiled, now opened them. "It's alright. If they don't like us, we don't have to like them." "Heh, I can dislike Mother, but you can't, husband. Otherwise, people would gossip and call you an unfilial son-in-law." Ning Yi turned his head, looked at her for a moment, and said seriously, "They can't out-argue me." Su Tan'er stifled a laugh, covering her mouth. A moment later, she looked up at the sky and spoke again.

"Among girls, I was quite strange. After I studied a bit, unlike other noble young ladies who saw it as natural, I felt that Father and Mother weren't good to me at all, and it was unfair. Growing up in that grand mansion with my wet nurse, part of me wanted to be a boy who would make Father and Mother regret their feelings, to take over the family business. But another part of me felt I was a girl, and I had to master everything a girl should learn. Otherwise, wouldn't it just prove I envied boys, and wouldn't that mean I'd lost?"

Ning Yi reached out and picked a dried blade of grass from her hair. Su Tan'er's voice drifted softly, "Growing up in a family like that, my wet nurse was kind to me when I was little. She always said we were a prominent family, that I was a refined young lady, and that everyone envied us. But when I became sensible, I felt there was nothing to envy. Father didn't like me, and Mother didn't either. If we were a small family, we wouldn't have such worries. In truth, I also understood that if the family hadn't been so large, or if I'd had an elder brother, Father and Mother wouldn't have been under such immense pressure, and I wouldn't have been neglected. During the times I disliked Father and Mother, I later realized I had become like them. That home... it lacked warmth and human feeling..."

"I... I'm not a true refined young lady; I just learned from others, and truthfully, I'm not really like one. I used to say I liked poetry, but I wasn't good at writing it or appreciating it much. I told myself it was because there was too much to learn for business back then and no time. But that wasn't true at all; I didn't truly like poetry. I just liked the feeling of being admired. Sometimes, when I think of these things and see how Father and Mother were, I think, maybe I shouldn't have children in the future. If I have a child and don't raise her well, and she ends up like me, blaming me as her mother, what would I do...?"

"Your standards are too high. No one purely loves poetry. You'll be a good mother," Ning Yi interjected.

Su Tan'er shook her head and smiled. "When I was fourteen or fifteen, I didn't want to get married, so I kept putting it off until I truly couldn't anymore. Then I chose you, husband." She turned her head to look at Ning Yi, who was lying beside her. "But even then, I wasn't truly sincere. I let Xiao Chan...

...Xiao Chan take care of you, husband. I even ran away on our wedding day and only came back several days later. Although we lived together after that, I didn't truly respect or care much for you..." "Wasn't that already quite good?" Su Tan'er shook her head on the grass, her expression now calm, with just a hint of a natural smile. "No," she said, her voice now slightly choked. "It wasn't very good. I was just pretending, pretending to be a refined young lady, pretending to be sensible and proper, just like I pretended to like poetry. I... I was only thinking of myself, thinking of how to keep you stable, husband, and make this household seem like a real home so people wouldn't gossip. That was enough. I never thought about you, husband..."

"Women are really troublesome..."

"...but now I do."

Their voices blended together, Ning Yi's a bored mumble, Su Tan'er's a soft whisper choked with emotion.

After speaking, she couldn't help but let out a soft laugh at their exchange. Ning Yi closed his eyes and stretched his palm across, his fingers almost touching Su Tan'er's cheek. Su Tan'er tilted her head slightly, her eyes half-closed, resting her cheek on his hand, feeling the touch of his fingers.

Both of them had always been decisive individuals, disliking pretense. While together, they certainly had romantic conversations, like those late-night talks in the small building. But in reality, Su Tan'er was pragmatic, and their heart-to-heart discussions in the building had always been as natural as possible, with little sweet talk. Later, when the Su family faced disaster, their feelings for each other advanced rapidly, leading to Su Tan'er burning down the building and their consummation. Although there were occasional sweet words, they mostly occurred during intimate moments.

Su Tan'er rarely displayed girlish coyness. Both were formidable individuals, and even when they bantered playfully, they understood each other implicitly and stopped. However, in the past two days, upon learning of her pregnancy and then of Ning Yi's injuries, although she had silently stayed by his side without much idle talk, at this moment, she finally opened up and expressed these things that she had previously considered insignificant.

"I realize now that my husband understood everything that happened back then. All the complexities and schemes in my heart probably couldn't be hidden from you, husband. It's truly embarrassing to think about... Back then, I just thought of you as a naive scholar, someone who read a few dull books, couldn't think clearly, and wasn't good with people. I just thought... as long as I could control you, that would be enough. How could a foolish scholar like you ever be my match?"

Ning Yi chuckled, "You still aren't."

"You're broad-minded, husband, perhaps you think that's just human nature. But now I wish I could do it all over again. I would treat you so much better, husband. I... I want to truly become a refined young lady and be a good wife. I don't want to be eighteen when I marry you, and have people say you married a fierce old maid. If only I had married you when I was fourteen or fifteen! If that had happened... if that had happened... everything would be different. I wouldn't have stubbornly dragged you to Hangzhou..."

Although somewhat choked, Su Tan'er had remained calm while speaking the previous sentences. But as she uttered the last one, she finally broke down and truly wept. She clenched her fists at her sides, trembling slightly, crying heavily. This woman was always proud, though it was always hidden beneath a gentle exterior. Her worldview, honed by years in the business world, was as sharp as a blade, much like Ning Yi's. When problems arose, she first sought solutions; regret, at most, was a form of deduction or self-reflection. But now, knowing the difficult journey ahead and that her husband's injuries could be exacerbated by the long travel, she felt a wave of guilt for these emotions.

Ning Yi sighed and slowly shifted closer to his wife. Su Tan'er clutched his clothes, biting her lip and sobbing.

"We'll go back. There will be another chance," Ning Yi said.

Su Tan'er was already crying. "I want to bear children for you now, husband. I want to be a good wife. I don't want to be strong anymore; I don't want to do business anymore. I don't want to be myself anymore. But now I also wish I weren't pregnant right now. Even if I'm not pregnant now, I will be later, and that's different. These past two days, seeing you, husband, doing all these things, desperately trying to figure out how to escape... I know you're burdened by responsibility. Even without a child, you'd be like this, but I'm truly afraid now... The doctor said your injuries need peace of mind and rest, and that your body needs to endure it on its own. Husband, how can your body possibly withstand all this stress and effort you're putting into our escape...?

I wanted to persuade you, but I knew it would be useless..." She cried heavily beside Ning Yi, her suppressed emotions making her body tremble violently. "These past two days, husband, you've been questioning people, planning things. I've been right beside you... holding back from speaking, with many voices in my head telling me it's no use, it's no use; it'll only bother you. I can't let you be worried about me while you're busy with other worries. But then I also think, if only I were like those ordinary women, who just cry and beg you not to do these things, and then don't have to worry about anything..." Ning Yi patted her shoulder. "You know it's no use saying anything..."

"When I couldn't bear it anymore..." Su Tan'er sniffled. "When I couldn't bear it anymore, I'd go hide in the tent, sit for a while, and stop myself from crying. Chan'er and the others have cried several times; they wanted to come and persuade you, but I stopped them. I didn't want you to have to exert yourself talking to them or comforting them. I also didn't want to say useless things to you, or have you waste your energy talking... I didn't even want to tell you all this..."

After saying all this, she continued to sob softly, but she was somewhat better than before. Ning Yi waited a moment, then said, "I will recover."

Su Tan'er wiped away her tears, but they continued to fall. Leaning against his chest, she nodded. "You must recover. If you don't get better, I won't find another husband like you. I won't want the child, and I won't want the home... I was never a good mother, and I've even caused other families to be ruined... Husband, remember this: I'm carrying your child. You're very tired now, but you can't complain about it; you still have to endure. But if you can't, it's alright. We'll just come down to find you..."

She stared at Ning Yi with wide eyes, her gentle, oval face framed by tightly pursed cherry lips. As a woman, she had navigated the business world with a quiet, pervasive influence. With her delicate features and being only in her early twenties, she didn't resemble the overtly decisive merchants. Yet, at this moment, only in her large, tear-streaked eyes did the stubborn determination she had cultivated in the marketplace, though usually restrained, fully emerge. Mixed with her gentle countenance, it conveyed a heartfelt message to the man before her: This is your woman.

Ning Yi smiled. "Don't underestimate your husband. No matter what, I will live. You will definitely bear this child."

Su Tan'er caressed her lower abdomen, then leaned closer to Ning Yi. With her other hand, she clutched his lapel, closed her eyes, and seemed to be murmuring something, perhaps praying, but the mountain wind carried away her specific words.

In the sky, wispy clouds drifted, and the fiery glow of the sunset painted the horizon, mountains, and rivers. Night fell, and in the fugitives' camp, the army began to operate busily. The next day, they broke camp again. The pursuers behind them were actually not far off. By noon that day, as they drew closer, they began to receive a piece of news from a stranded refugee: the large group of fugitives ahead of them had started to quarrel among themselves!